Have you ever heard a song that took the breath out of your chest? This one has that effect on me:
Music is pretty fucking powerful. Songs are stories and often the story is the listener’s own truth. There aren’t many elements in the universe that can provoke an emotional response from me quite like a song can.
I’m going to assume that most people who connect to this song think of a current or past love when it comes on. Today is your lucky day! I’m not most people 🙂
This song makes me think of my mom. Yes, you read that word corrrctly. M-O-M. I have two main moms; my birth mom and my adoptive mom. This song is about my birth mom. She was around the first four years of my life and has sporadically been in my life since I was a teenager. When I was just a little girl, she left my dad. She left my big brother and my little sister. She left me. We heard from her on occasions such as birthdays and Christmas. She sent us letters, cards, and gifts for a few years after she took off. The only reason we knew her location was because of the postage. We had mail from California mostly, but there would also be Colorado and Montana marked mail. Montana is her home state. Her love interests and drugs were in California, but she loved Colorado. One day, I’ll tell you about my mom connection to the song Colder Weather, but that’s a different post. One day, we didn’t get the mail anymore. Life happened and my dad’s new wife adopted us. Mom was not allowed in our lives anymore because her instability hurt us too much. We also had begun to talk about the abuse we suffered at her hands when we were little. She really hurt us, but the only thing bigger than that hurt was my love for her and my desire to have my mom.
As soon as I turned 18, I reconnected with her. That may have been a mistake. For the past 12 years, we’ve had a very toxic relationship. I’ve demanded answers that she felt she was not obligated to give me. It was my life that she fucked up, so I think she could at least tell me why she left me. I still have no answers from her. We have gone months and years without speaking. She has said horrible things to me. She still hurt me. But I still wanted her.
Tomorrow I’m gonna leave here. I’m gonna let you go and walk away like every day I said I would. Tomorrow, I’m gonna listen to that voice of reason inside my head telling me that we’re no good.
Tomorrow I’ll be stronger, I‘m not gonna break down and call you up when my heart cries out for you. Tomorrow, you won’t believe it, but when I pass your house, I won’t stop no matter how bad I want to.
Holy shit, that’s my entire thought process when it comes to my mom. It’s a great example of head vs heart. That voice of reason inside my head exists, but so does that heart crying out for her.
When we’re good, you know we’re great, but there’s too much bad for us to think that there’s anything worth trying to save.
Tonight I’m gonna give in one last time, rock you strong in these arms of mine, and forget all the regrets that are bound to follow.
We’re like fire and gasoline; I’m no good for you, you’re no good for me. We only bring each other tears and sorrow but tonight, I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow.
We’re like fire and gasoline. We’re no good for each other. You hurt me and I hurt you back. The only thing that ever comes of us is pain.
But I keep going back. I forgive her, but forgiveness isn’t enough. I need to know why she left. I need to know why she stopped writing. I need to know why she signed us over. Was I not enough? Was I not worthy of her love? She had so many chances to be my mom and she walked away every single time. To this day, I still struggle with fear that anyone who loves me will leave me. If my own mother couldn’t love me enough to stay, how could anyone else?
But I keep loving her. I keep trying. I keep hurting. I have tried to let her go, but I can’t. I still need her.