Day 1: Sunrise
There was a time when every sunrise was dark. I couldn’t see light in anything, even the greatest source of light to our planet. And that’s okay. That’s normal. I have heard of others who see beauty in everything after loss, but there are those of us that cannot process loss that way. We all grieve differently. There is no right way or wrong way to mourn the loss of someone you loved.
I allowed that darkness to consume me. I needed help, but didn’t want to reach out – mostly because I wasn’t sure if it was socially acceptable to be in turmoil over a baby that was never bigger than the palm of my hand. That is not true. It is normal and it is okay. We don’t mourn just the loss of our child, there’s so much more to it than that. We mourn the loss of the future we imagined with that child – lullabies that you can never sing, rocking chairs that will never house your exhausted body at 4 am while feeding a baby, first steps that will never be taken, and so much more. Through my journey of loss, I’ve connected with so many mothers who have felt the exact same way. I didn’t know this back then. Shortly after our loss, I overdosed on medication. I ended up in the hospital, having my stomach pumped, and my ex husband in charge of giving me my medication, one dose at a time.
Don’t allow the darkness to consume you. Seek help. One day, you will see light again. One day, the sunrise will be beautiful again.
Day 2: Heart
I’ll just leave these words from E.E. Cummings for today.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)